#Fierce conversations principles how to
#Fierce conversations principles full

Humility, openness, appreciative, other regarding, seeking outcomes beyond self – these are some of the principles emerging from my reading.

#Fierce conversations principles full

But across all these styles of communication the literature describes consistent principles: respect for who you are talking to recognizing that you do not have the full information or context caring about the relationship and the well-being of others seeking a shared outcome and not a selfish outcome. Sometimes leaders have to “tell” or “command”.

This requires leaders to have a broader tool kit for communication. Increasingly leadership is shifting away from command and control to engage, inspire and, yes, coach. Leadership is fundamentally about communication (and sometimes leaders need to use words). Scott makes a fundamental point “the conversation is the relationship” (xvi). Silence before talking helps convert reaction into response. Finally, Scott reminds me not to rush-in to fill silence – silence is opportunity for reflection. This is where there is a clear intersection with the approaches to the other three approaches to inquiry. “Take responsibility for your emotional wake” (xvi) this means I must be aware of and care about the impact on the other person. Pay attention and listen to your instincts. In my words, begin with facing reality (even as it changes). Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations (2002) provides seven principles for expected “difficult conversations”. Sometimes conversations need to go further – to raise difficult issues, even to confront problematic relationships. Assertive inquiry begins with offering or sharing one’s analysis of the issue then, in a genuine spirit of inquiry, asking “what am I missing”? This genuine invitation for others to add perspective or information, or to ask questions begins a process of working together to build a better understanding or outcome. I find the concept of “ Assertive inquiry” (Lafley and Martin, 2013) helpful. Are there ways to be more assertive without falling into the traps identified by humble and appreciative inquiry?

But there are times when it is important to add perspective or provide information. To be fair, both find ways to address the needs to talk and to analyze, but they are primarily aimed at moving away from telling and fault finding. Humble inquiry and appreciative inquiry are both based on asking questions to draw out others. In communication it encourages focus on strengths and building on what another person knows to discover what matters (appreciate), dream what could be (envision results), design the future (co-constructing) and sustaining destiny It is based on asking about the strengths (positives) in a situation and how they can be built upon and improved, rather than focusing on problem finding and solving. “Appreciative inquiry” (Cooperrider and Whitney, 2005)is not just an approach to communications it has been described as both philosophy and process. It can also be important: Schein cites anecdotes where information was available but not used to avert tragedies because specific questions were not asked and, more generally, a culture of inquiry and openness had not been fostered. Asking questions – open questions, genuinely curious and seeking new information – displays vulnerability and invites relationship. He points out that we live in a culture of “telling”, which empowers the teller and disempowers the recipient. I think this is also true of leaders and of coaches.Įdgar Schein (2013) advocates “humble inquiry” to build relationships, enlist support and acquire information to get things done.

#Fierce conversations principles how to

When it comes to communication, I don’t need a single theory I need a tool kit – and perhaps some principles about how to choose what tool to use. However, people, relationships and situations vary. Most authors have a single point, one clear strategy that, at least by implication, would apply in all situations. I am usually captivated by the last book I almost read this could leave me working with less than a full deck.